Have I Been Hurt for Too Long?
God,
sometimes I wonder if I’ve been hurt for so long…
that I no longer recognize the kind of love I’ve been praying for.
I met someone.
On paper, he seemed like everything I had been asking for.
Kind.
Hardworking.
Shared values.
A good heart.
We laughed.
More than I expected.
And yet…
when I came home, I couldn’t tell if what I was feeling was peace…
or nothing at all.
Shouldn’t I be excited?
Shouldn’t I be hoping he texts me?
Shouldn’t there be butterflies?
Or have I spent so much time protecting my heart…
that I no longer know what healthy love feels like?
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become so familiar with chaos…
that peace feels unfamiliar.
Maybe I’ve mistaken intensity for connection.
Maybe I’ve confused anxiety with chemistry.
Maybe I’ve spent so many years chasing people who were never meant for me…
that when someone safe finally stands in front of me,
my heart doesn’t know what to do.
But then another question quietly finds its way into my mind.
What if I’m not struggling to recognize healthy love…
What if I’m simply trying to fall in love with someone’s potential?
Because there’s a difference.
A beautiful future is not the same as a beautiful present.
Who someone could become…
is not the same as who they are today.
And I don’t want to spend my life loving possibilities while ignoring reality.
I’ve done that before.
I’ve filled in the gaps.
I’ve imagined conversations that never happened.
I’ve hoped people would become who I needed them to be.
And hope is a beautiful thing…
until it becomes denial.
So now I find myself asking questions I never thought I’d ask.
How long do you give something a chance?
When is patience wise…
and when is it simply fear of letting go?
When do you keep showing up…
and when do you finally walk away?
God…
I don’t want to reject a good man simply because healthy love feels unfamiliar.
But I also don’t want to accept less than You’ve been teaching me to pray for.
Teach me the difference.
Teach me to recognize peace…
without mistaking it for indifference.
Teach me to recognize wisdom…
without calling it fear.
Teach me to recognize love…
without falling in love with potential.
And if I’ve been hurt for so long…
that healthy love feels unfamiliar…
please heal me until I recognize it again.
Because more than anything…
I don’t want to miss the love You have for me…
simply because it didn’t arrive the way I expected.
And maybe that’s the question I’m still learning to answer.
How do you know the difference between a love that’s growing… and a love you’re trying to grow?
Amen.